A Martian Fashion Muddle

" What should I wear to the Investors' Meet on Saturday?"
I scowled in annoyance.... This must be the gazillion-th time Dsk was asking me this question.
I had already offered him my suggestions.
Not once. Not twice...But, many times over.
And, as usual, all of them had ricocheted off the thick martian skull and buried themselves in oblivion.
Perhaps he is just trying to irritate me, I thought darkly to myself.
" Wear a dhoti"
* startled silence*
"Wear a what???"
" A Dhoti..." I replied artlessly "You know what that is, don't you?....Panche in your language. Mundu in mine....The traditional piece of cloth which Indian men drape around their waist.."
* silence again*
The martian was now on uncertain territory but, going by past experiences, I could bet my last penny that he would not back down....Or admit that this was ground already covered..." What I meant was, should I should wear my coat and tie?"" Brilliant!!!....make sure you get a yellow and purple polka dotted tie..."

I found it hard to supress a giggle, as I imagined him staring at the phone in sheer disbelief.
" You mean over the dhoti???"

Not trusting myself to speak, I mumbled assent
" ....and I suppose I should wear my formal shirt as well?"
" Na na, your stripped T Shirt with the gaping hole on the chest will do"
" Which Tee? Which hole"
" You know, the one you spilt cold coffee on the other day? I was up half the night to get the stains out..."
My tone gets to Dsk, prompting him to back down a wee bit
" That is my lucky Tee...."
" All the more reason to wear it with the dhoti, black coat and the purple-yellow polka dotted tie"
* Ominous Silence*
" Are you trying to be funny?"
" No, I thought you were..."
" I can get sacked, you know...Or slaughtered..."
" Probably both" I assured him solemnly.
In the silence that followed, I could picture him thinking hard....racking his brains to get even....But eventually,he had to concede defeat...
" Imagine me in a checkered dhoti, yellow & purple polka dotted tie, a striped T and a black coat..." He guffawed delightedly "And what would I wear on my feet? Blue flip flops?"
*more happy chuckles follow*
The words of ire faded away from my lips as I listened to him chortling gleefully.
And then before I knew it, I was giggling too, at the ludicrous picture we had painted between the two of us...
As the wise men said, if you can't lick 'em, join em!!!

Love's Labour Lost

I was right!!!
Don C has proven to be a bounder and a rogue to boot. I am absolutely delighted at having been proved right and I haven't been able to restrain myself from crowing over the hapless Ging since this morning. To my credit, I haven't as yet traipsed about performing my incredibly annoying victory dance!!!
I had been so engrossed in mollifying Ging over the past couple of days, that my otherwise sharp E.S.P had not had much of a chance to pick up the changed vibes around the moggie household. True to form, Ging and DSK seem to have sworn a feline oath of silence to keep me in the dark. But Don C who was not privy to the moggie oath, proved to be the weak link in their deception.
This morning as I was clattering about clumsily in the kitchen while Ging went about her daily morning patrolling of our back yard, Don C put in an appearance. Instead of settling himself on the back-yard wall as was his practice, he bristled at poor Ging and, before I could train the dirtiest of my glares at him, lunged at her. Not in a fit of passion as I first imagined. But in sheer aggression. And much to my surprise, Ging turned tail and ran in for cover.
Perhaps if Don C had not sighted me emerging from the kitchen, brandishing my ladle with obvious intent of smacking his rump, I would have been able to catch the final outcome of this rather surprising chase. But see me he did. And that was reason enough for him to rethink. And retreat.
I found Ging cowering behind my french crystal, trying to put a brave face on things. But the cat was out of the bag & love's labour lost!!!! *tsk* *tsk*

Reversal of Fortunes!!!

" Do you think you can come home this weekend? If I leave for Rome on Thursday morning, Ging will be alone till one of us comes back....I will keep her bowls of Whiskas out but she will be alone...Pavam poochi " Dsk's voice trails into a mournful silence as he hopefully awaits the big yes from me.

With 101 things at work screaming for my urgent attention, I would have probably mumbled an distracted affirmative if it wasn't for Ging's very vocal protests in the back ground.
Obviously, she was devastated at dad dearest's impending departure.
And her incessant plaintive yowls and wails about poor Ging being abandoned and left to starve by her cold hearted family had the desired effect on the beta moggie's guilt prone conscience.
*Serves kitty right for picking daddy over mommy!!!* I think to myself with smugness writ all over my face ....Mean, I know but I couldn't resist that one.
" well OK..I guess I can get back on Saturday evening..its been almost 2 weeks anyway"
" Saturday afternoon? "
* Is he kidding me???*
" No, night or maybe even Sunday morning...I am not too sure..."
" SUNDAY!!!"
*Kitty wails reach a new crescendo in the back ground as DSK's voice rises several decibels and is hastily lowered to avoid irking Alpha *
" Oh, ok...Saturday then...." And then it is my turn to whinge " I don't even know why I am coming back. Ging really gives me a hard time when you are not there...She turns ultra aggresive , barely lets me sleep and is a gazillion times worse than a live-in mother-in-law" From the corner of my eye, I see my colleague backing out of the room as I knit my sparse brows together and stick out my thick lower lip, wearing my trademark expression of absolute petulance.
" It's ok....You just keep out of her way and make sure she has enough to eat...If she wants to be friendly she will come to you"

She will come to me???
*^#*~^*^*
...Now that really got my goat!!!...I had to wind up my work and lug myself back home just to babysit Ging and Gamma moggie has the cheek to tell me that if Ging wants to be friendly, she will come to me!!!

So, I wasn't in the best of moods when I flew back to Chennai last weekend but my anger ebbed in the wake of the rousing reception Ging gave me. But it seemed as if daddy's heartless departure was a reality check of sorts which brought on a reassessment of priorities for Ging. For starters, I was given an over warm welcome by the kitty. And then when I was laid low by a nasty bout of food poisoning Ging, unlike her usual demanding self, transformed into a darling cuddle bunny making sure that I was shepherded back into bed no sooner than I had gotten out of it.

Now, mind you, unlike her predecessors, Ging didn't serve mauled mice or decapitated squirrels in bed for strength and nourishment. Nor did she let up on her feeds. But on the whole, she was less brattish and demanding. And the week went by without any untoward incident and surprisingly, with much amity between Ging and me.

Even so, I was expecting Ging to revert back to type the minute she sighted Dsk at the gates. And it came as a bit of a shock when Ging turned her back on Dsk on Wednesday night, refusing to look him in the face or even join him in burrowing into his bags in search of treasures from foreign lands.

The shock gave way to unholy delight when I noted the rather determined expression on her face as she set about to ingratiate herself with me. All of Dsk's pleas were in vain because Ging just refused to budge from her stance or even glance at Dsk's peace offerings. And to rub salt on raw wounds, she made a great big show of examining my effects, even submitting to a test brush with my brand new 'Made in Europe' brow brush.
Ok, so that test brush was no concession from her because she enjoyed it thoroughly but bad cat daddy, being consigned to the corner, wasn't allowed to participate.

As of this morning, Gamma moggie was still begging for forgiveness from Ging and offering to soothe down her ruffled fur with my brow brushes - an offer which kitty has turned down with barely concealed disdain and oodles of lovies for mommy.
*Wicked toothy grin*
Am so lovin it!!!

Snake Skin Kitty!!!

5 a.m & I am rudely jolted into wakefulness by yet another nightmare with the wicked snake beastie in it. And as usual, I lie in the dark with my heart racing at the speed of light, wrestling with the eternal question that besets me in the wake of this nightmare- Could there be a snake beastie under my bed waiting to pounce on me as soon as I set my feet to the ground?
It takes me quite a while to calm down and just as I am drifting off to sleep again, I am once again jolted back to wakefulness by searing hot ribbons of pains that course through my feet. And then I sense my feet, now in the vice grip of razor sharp pincers, being dragged slowly but steadily across the bed. As surreal as this experience is, the unbearable pain mitigates any fond hope I may have of this being another bad dream!!!..This is for real...my moment of reckoning with the snake beastie...my face off with my nemesis...
Steeling my quaking nerves and calling upon all the Gods in heaven, I sit up ramrod straight to confront my nemesis. And I am met by a pair of luminous kitty eyes glinting evily at me. Ging!!!
I haven't the faintest idea as to where she was trying to drag me off to by my feet at that unearthly hour but the experience was all that I needed to eat my words about missing the good old Ging. I guess I spoke too soon. And I should have figured that the aliens would never ever keep her, even if it signified the end of their research of active life forms on planet earth. The peace was good while it lasted and I am glad I made the most of it because it is going to be a snowy day in Chennai before the aliens come visiting again!!!

POPs & PIL

" Why is Ging sulking under the bed???..She seemed normal enough sometime back"
Dsk's beetle brows are knitted together and his normally placid face wears an expression of absolute bafflement as he ponders on the mystery of yet another kitty sulk. I peek under the bed and am accosted by a pair of round fiery eyes, spitting sparks at me. Oh yes, the kitty is huffy indeed. And the cause for her ire are a pair of insolent ravens who have taken to dropping in on the moggie household just in time for breakfast every morning.
Initially, the two-some would chatter away to themselves as they waited patiently on the backyard wall,under the watchful eyes of Don C until they were fed. An action which Ging stomached with much reluctance and some protest. I suppose the kitty didn't grumble over much because the ravens were content at merely filling their bellies and didn't seem to entertain any aspirations to 'Moggiehood.
After suffering their very vocal opinions and nagging for a few days, DSK and I decided that the ravens simply had to be our dear departed fathers who had come from the other world to watch over us.They were duly christened as Pops & PIL [ Acronym for Pa In Law]. Strangely enough, both Pops and PIL took to their new names and fell to their self assumed parental responsibilities with great zest, often stepping on Ging's dainty paws.
Once POPs & PIL got over the novelty of warm bread and milk mashes, they began cadging for other treats. And how? The smart birdies, much to Ging's dismay and Don C's discomfiture, allied themselves with me and soon had their beaks entrenched in every little activity in our backyard.
The three of us would hold protracted conversations about the weather, the day's menus and of course the snoopy Don C, who could nothing more than glare malevolently at us.They screamed rude abuse at Don C as he napped above the kitchen ledge,for which they earned golden egg yolks in their mush which they greedily squished and gulped as they noisily contemplated how to further annoy the mean white cat with the ugly yellow eyes.When Don C was not around for them to pick on, POPs & PIL nagged the maid into cleaning every inch of the courtyard until it was squeaky clean. Occasionally, much to Ging's glee, they would loudly chide me when their breakfast was late or if they felt shortchanged because our breakfast smelt better than theirs.
All at once, mornings in the moggie household became boisterous, hyperactive and interesting.And this was proving to be one such morning - with the fathers at their raucous best and Ging under the bed in one of her famous sulks.
" Well, its Pops and PIL" I explained "I guess they missed me all of last week because today they flew down to the kitchen window for a rather noisy conversation while I was cooking breakfast....Ging has been sulking ever since"
" The fathers were at our kitchen window??? That's a first, isn't it? "
Dsk looked mildly surprised and the beginnings of a smile play at the corners of his lips, as his agile mind pieced together the huffy kitty puzzle. I wink at Dsk conspiratorially.
" Yes it is....They were perched outside the kitchen window aaarrcking and cawing at me when Ging strolled in and had a meltdown of sorts.....She probably thinks they are making secret plans to kidnap me or move in with us or at the very least make a birdie of me!!!"
Dsk and I are openly laughing now at our adorably possessive Beta kitty....
" You really are in her bad books...better make up with her or else, you know she will get back at you one way or the other"
Oh yes, I better work my way out of the dog house....Which means I need to crawl under the bed to fuss over kitty and reassure her about her unassailable Beta moggie status....Hmmm...maybe, just maybe, we might be able to effect an armistice that keeps Don C and the Fathers out in the courtyard!!
*Wink* *Wink* *Wink*

In Mommy's Shoes

*When do you get back home?* growled Dsk over the phone
I raise a rather overgrown, misshapen brow quizzically. Strange are the ways of the underlings!!!
I have been travelling on work and, was slated to spend this whole week away from home. My absence presented the three moggieteers - Dsk, Ging & Don C- the opportunity to run riot and break all the sacred commandments of the moggie household. But I have barely been away for 2 days and much to my surprise, Dsk is bristling.
*Err, Saturday...*
" Saturday???...That's 2 days away...." His grumpy voice trails away into forlorn silence...And then, suddenly perks up with hope...
"What about your friend Rupa? Isn't she here only till the weekend? How will you meet her if you are back only on Saturday"
" Oh, I spoke to her last night.She's in town till the 29th, so I can catch up with her and baby Tia next week"
" Oh"
Now, that is an Oh which spoke volumes. Obviously Dsk had something on his mind and was silently pleading with me to wheedle it out of him. Bursting with curiosity, I assume the role of the solicitous wife.
" What's wrong?"
" Nothing much..Just that things are a little crazy at work..I had to come into work early as a Korean auditor was coming in for an audit...He just left..."
Now that's no big deal for Dsk. I mean Koreans, irate customers, difficult conference calls, audits, material shortages, truculent workers, work pressure are all a part of Dsk's daily life and are handled by him with aplomb. I had a sneaky feeling that the cause of his ire rested at home. And I was right.
"How is Ging?"
" Ging has gone mad!!!...Yesterday night, She slept till about 11 and after that, refused to let me sleep...She prowled all over the bed like a little tigress, mewing in my ears at regular intervals and when I tried sleping through the din, she scratched and bit me...Do you know, I haven't slept a wink last night and am so tired"
Aha, so now we come to crux of the matter....It would seem that Ging was indeed making the most of my absence. But instead of using this heaven sent opportunity to install Don C as a permanent fixture about the moggie household, her focus was on walking in my Alpha shoes.
And the only victim over whom kitty could exercise her new found power was poor Dsk ,who until now had prided himself on being Ging's favourite parent. Quite naturally, the doting dad was aggrieved by the daughter's betrayal and was, much to my amusement, looking for an ally albeit a long distance one. I am quite sure that if Ging got her paws on a phone, I would be subject to a most vociferous litany of complaints against Daddy now-not-so dearest. And I confess, the situation in the moggie household brought a smile to my lips and a spring to my step.
* Evil Toothy Grin*
For a change, Dsk and Ging were ranged on opposite sides while I was the good moggie.
And just as I was making a mental note to travel more often, the outraged Gamma continued with his outburst " At about 4:30, I put her outside the bedroom but then Don C joined her and both of them were warbling and yowling at me for what was left of the night...I am so so tired...I had to leave home at 7:25..And you know what, when I was leaving home this morning, Ging was sprawled on the sofa in deep sleep...I don't think she even realised that I had left for work"
Now, that's what I call insult over injury....No wonder, DSK is so hyper this morning.
" She must have wanted your attention...I mean she is not used to being alone the whole day..Perhaps if you had played with her earlier in the evening, she might have calmed down at night"
" Didn't you hear what I said? Last night, I sat around staring at this girl snoring away from 8-11 p.m..What do I do if she prefers sleeping to playing? I cannot give her attention on demand...I tell you she has gone mad...And don't tell me that she was sitting at home moping all day long..you know as well as I do that all Ging does during the day is snooze"
Well, he does have a point there.
" Today, I have decided that I will put her out of the bedroom, lock the door and sleep"
" Err, I think that will make her worse....She and Don C will probably yodel all night long outside the bedroom and you will have an irate bunch of neighbours banging at our door the next morning"" well, something has to be done...I need to sleep..."" Why don't you try playing with her as soon as you come in, before she gets a chance to snooze...Maybe then, she will be calmer by the time you hit the sack. And if she still tries to sleep, then I suggest that you shake her awake"
" And what if she still scratches me at night???"
" Then smack her hard on her rump so that she knows you mean business..she will probably quieten down or sulk under the bed..Ging is just pushing you around because she knows she can...You need to be firm with her when she is difficult"
" hmmm"
" And the next time you feel like telling me to let her be, I'll remind you about this conversation of ours"
Silence reigns supreme!!! OK, That is a hit below the belt but I just couldn't resist it. Dsk had it coming for sometime now.
* Another Evil Toothy Grin*
The voices in my head tell me that I will be coming home to a rousing moggie reception this Saturday...

The Empire Strikes Back!!!

Hell hath no fury like a Mommy angered!!! ...
...Was what Ging discovered late last night when she launched her nocturnal offensive.

Unfortunately for her, the onslaught proved to be a mere flash in the pan as a well primed mommy struck back with unimagined ferociousness. The ensuing skirmish which pitted kitty claws and teeth against human talons, fangs and almost 100 kgs of solid lard, ended with kitty getting her butt whipped to kingdom come.

Efforts to garner support from the gamma moggie a.k.a DSK proved to be futile as daddy, having indulged in one too many cocktails at an office do, was in a 'make love, not war' mood. Despite the best of Ging's wheedling and coaxing, DSK just refused to rise to the occasion with his ' tut tut let the poor kitty be' slogans, leaving Madam Ging with no alternative but to retreat into kitty sulks under our bed for the rest of the night.

It would seem that her night of solitude was well spent in deliberation because at day break, the truculent rebel emerged hopefully with her terms of peace which was promptly consigned to the garbage by a mommy drunk on power.


Wooohoooo!!!
Game, Set & Match to Mommy!!!

Catattack !!!

The battle is on again and this time, Ging has devised a strategy that is nothing short of brilliant. With the element of surprise on her side, there is a strong possibility that she just might succeed in ousting me from my throne and wresting control of the moggie household. Not a very comforting thought that... And it is one that has me quivering in my shoes.

Why you may ask, with an indulgent smile at the kitty?

Well, its no secret that Ging entertains fond hopes of graduating from Beta to Alpha position in our moggie household. And despite the many clamp downs she has suffered, hope springs eternal in the feline breast. So some weeks back when she took to joining DSK in the reading of Canfield's ' How To Get From Where You Are To Where You Want To Be" , i took no notice of her new pastime, lightly dismissing it as kitty's need to bond with daddy dearest. What I didn't bank upon was the convoluted workings of the feline mind which slowly but steadily combined her newly acquired knowledge with memories of Jane Fonda's histrionics in Monster In-Law to derive a wicked in-law strategy of her own.

Capitalising on the absence of a resident parent-in-law, Ging decided to step in and give me a dose of the fabled villainous mother-in-law treatment. Within days, all my favoured spots and possessions began to bear marks of Ging's assault- my favorite chair, the fluorescent green ' John Beer' T that I sleep in, my lavender scented blanket, the cupboards with my prized books, my spectacles, hair bands, my multi coloured pencil and even, my side of the bed!!! All at once, nothing was sacrosanct anymore. Anything and everything which vaguely smelt like Mommy was claimed as the spoils of war and mauled to utter uselessness. Attributing the rash of " kitty accidents" to the soaring temperature, I blithely went about with my life, little realising what lay in store for me.

Unsatisfied with the results of her guerrilla warfare, Ging decided to screw her courage to the sticking place and mount attack on mommy herself. All at once, I found kitty underfoot all the time - nagging or protesting in shrill mews, hissing and growling in displeasure or simply staring me down into submission. Her favourite past time was to don a sphinx like expression and gaze unblinkingly into my eyes for several long minutes - a very unsettling experience I assure you. In all probability, Ging figured that she could avoid a bloody coup d'etat by hypnotising me into relinquishing power, but unfortunately, it turned out that kitty had overestimated her powers of non verbal communication. Not that it deterred our little feline monster who now went into overdrive in true monster-in-law style and declared open war.

Realising that depriving me of sleep is a sure fire way of psyching me into defeat, Ging has devoted the past two nights to keeping me awake at all costs. Our tussle commences at midnight with both of us squabbling for bed covers, pillows, space and above all, DSK. DSK was charmed but I was beginning to loose it. Because every time, I thought I had beaten her down, the ever resourceful kitty would bounce back with a fresh tactic packaged as a game - ' Pin Mommy's Toes under the Blanket', 'Sharpen Claws on Mommy's Butt' ' Nip the Wobbling Fat on Mommy's Back', ' Paw Mommy's Hair off her Face', 'Scratch Dead Cells off Mommy's Feet' ..the diabolic cat kept slinging it at me all night long. And the icing on the cake? At about 4:30 am last night, I sought refuge beside DSK's ample form believing that daddy in the middle would force Ging to sheath her claws and clamp her teeth. But, the indomitable spirit was not to be thwarted and was soon snaking her way gently over his feet to dig her razor sharp claws into any which part of my anatomy she could seize!!!.

Now, if that didn't drive the message home, then nothing on earth would. So, right now I am licking my wounds and even as I write this piece, I am thinking hard of a counter offensive to foil kitty's attack tonight. Support will not be forthcoming as DSk still thinks Ging's savagery in bed is cute. But, as all wise men stuck in an oestrogen cross fire, he refrains from taking sides especially after taking in my blood shot eyes and rather ferocious glare this morning.* deep sigh*

I think I'll clean out the old kennel now...Because when I am done whipping Ms. Ging's butt tonight, she's going to be in the dog house for a while!!!

Devi-Das

Ging has been rather under weather today. Why? Well, for starters the two other moggies were out late Saturday night, leaving her alone at home to hold fort. And to make matters worse, early this morning, DSK left for coimbatore with, horror of horrors, a packed bag. This to our little kitty only means one thing: Dad's not going to be home for a few days, a major catastrophe comparable only with starvation or abandonment.
Now, when I travel, kitty doesn't even bat an eyelid, let alone mew in protest. The best I can elicit out of her is a ' DND: Cat Napping..Please let yourself out quietly' look. But when dsk travels, Ging magically metamorphoses into a little demon. It is almost as it the temperamental kitty watches SRK at his destructive best in Devdas to cope with her separation pangs and then meticulously lays the most diabolic plans to shatter the peace and quiet of my days!!! Needless to say, the moggie household is a high stress zone when DSK travels.
As was expected, Ging's behaviour in the wake of DSK's departure converted my normally relaxed Sunday into a highly stressful one. First, there were endless painful games of catch mommy's toes under the cover, which rudely ended all my dreams of a sleep-in.Then, I had to contend with a sulky kitty for the greater part of the day, who kept mooching about and directing violent glares at me...as if I had been instrumental in driving her darling dad away. Unfortunately, as DSK and I did have a scrap last night, I couldn't really fault her for those glares. But hey, in my defense, doesn't the silly cat [and the rest of the world] ever realise that it takes two hands to clap???
Siesta time saw Ging turn into a foul tempered little tigress who stalked me across the length of the bed biting any part of my anatomy that she could dig her fangs into. However, with the setting sun came fresh hope. Ever the optimist, Ms. Devi-das spent a few hours on the gate, and then patrolled the street in the vain hope that her dad would change his mind mid-way and come back home..A dream that fizzled out and brought forth a fresh round of 'mom' attacks!!!
At the moment, Ms. Devidas has captured the bedroom which has the air conditioner on and probably awaits my arrival to launch fresh attacks...Gosh, life as a cat mommy does suck sometimes!!!